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Published on November 10th, 2012 | by Tom Ascott

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5 Reasons Why GTA V Looks Awful

Rockstar’s upcoming Grand Theft Auto 5 has had a lot of information released recently. You probably haven’t heard much about it; it’s not really a big deal. But whatever – why report on it objectively when you can just make snap judgements on a couple of brief preview paragraphs right? Right? Anyway, here are five reasons why GTA V looks like it might be worth swerving (before mounting the curb and running down pedestrians). Incidentally, they’re the same reasons why it might be amazing – go figure.

1. The Split Narrative

Let’s be honest here, GTA has never particularly excelled regarding plot. I mean, what was GTA III really about anyway? Or San Andreas for that matter? It was something to do with a jetpack right? And your fat friend was the killer? Or he worked for the police? Or something…

Forgive me then if I suddenly don’t care very much that Rockstar are doing this because having three separate playable characters is meant to evolve or drive the story. I’m here to steal cars and drive them straight into traffic lights, not because I have a soft spot for one of the new characters’ teenage kids.

The only possible benefit to this approach is that Rockstar have finally given into the fact that the AI in GTA has always been woefully bad. Maybe they thought “fuck it, we’ll let them play as everyone” and gave up on trying to program realistic buddies for you to rob banks with. Now you get to do everything yourself and there’s absolutely no way you can complain about people running around in front of your line of fire.

2. The Size

One of the key points that everyone has got in a huff over is the fact that GTAV will be bigger than GTA IV, San Andreas and Red Dead Redemption. Combined. How that could possibly be a bad thing? I don’t understand. Bigger is always better – as we all know.

Except it isn’t.

What happens if you total your car in the middle of the desert? Or when you finally hike to the top of the mountain and realise it’s going to take another half hour to walk back down again? The answer is you’re going to get stuck without a car to steal; that sounds rubbish. The scenery is going to be beautiful though, and you’re going to know just how beautiful it is as your trek through a forest in search of a road.

“We’ve done it! We made it to the top” … “Now what?”

On top of this is the announcement that you will also be able to scuba dive around the coast; frankly I have no idea who is going to get excited about that. This isn’t Ecco The fucking Dolphin. Who was unsure about whether to buy GTA V and then, based on the knowledge that you can scuba dive, thought “you know what, this will be great!” No one. Ever. Is the answer.

Unless we can be James Bond in Thunderball and have underwater sex, count me out.

3. The Location

If anyone cares to remember, before GTA V was announced there was a clusterfuck on most forums about where the new game would be set. (Near) everyone had great ideas including finally taking the game outside the US to Tokyo or Europe. Perhaps if we stay inside the States then Rockstar will go back to Miami? Just as GTA III and IV were set in New York maybe GTA V and Vice City would both be set in a Miami?

Nobody suggested going back to L.A. The reason being that Rockstar games are at their best when they are effectively Video Game Movies. If you don’t believe that, go and watch L.A. Confidential and then play L.A. Noire and try telling me it isn’t the best movie tie in yet. The same goes for Red Dead Redemption and the Man With No Name series.

The problem is they’ve already used up all the best L.A. films in San Andreas, riffing heavily on the Boyz in the Hood theme. Rockstar Vice President of Creativity Dan Houser says this time round it will be more about the “contemporary culture of LA”. Exciting!

4. The Hobbies

Unlike in San Andreas there won’t be the opportunity to stat build in the gym. But, like in San Andreas, there will be the chance to “go to the gym on the seafront”. Why? We don’t know.

The game will have many inbuilt mini games including a triathlon, a full golf experience and the most criminal enterprise yet… er, yoga. It makes us think that Rockstar has taken one look at Nintendo and thought that they too can appeal to soccer moms and families.

No word yet on whether motion control is included as standard

GTA isn’t about stealing cars and stabbing hookers any more, no no, now you can sit around with your family and watch as your character stretches out for yoga and maybe takes third in the triathlon for absolutely no in game benefit whatsoever . Who knows?

Maybe the mini games from GTA: Chinatown Wars will make a return? Except this time, instead of dealing coke and heroin, you’ll be able to take a paracetamol when it all gets to be too much or deal Adderall to college kids so they can focus for their mid terms.

5. The Cell Phone

The internet can be a very persuasive thing, often vocalising what a community likes or dislikes. Rockstar, however, clearly have no love for that sort of nonsense and, against everyone’s wishes, they’ve put the mobile phone back in the game. Don’t worry though, they sorted the worst thing about it: the ability have a girlfriend and get laid.

Yes that’s right, you’ll still get calls from your criminal co workers and… that’s it. It’s no nonsense this time around, your phone is strictly a boys-only toy. No word yet if you will be able to sail out to sea and drop the damn thing in there.

Alternatively we’re all hoping that, just like in real life, as soon as you leave L.A. and get into the mountains you will have absolutely no reception whatsoever. If that’s the case then the wilderness suddenly looks very appealing indeed.